The occasions where I find myself still awake at an hour that allows me to catch the late night talk shows are very rare these days. As much as I appreciate the humor of Leno, Letterman, O’Brian, and the like, my body is not nearly as appreciative of their talents if it means losing sleep. I would refer you to my previous comments about turning fifty.

However, I recently was able to keep my eyes in the open position long enough to catch a portion of Letterman. And just my pure luck, who would the guest be on the one night that I was tuning in? Could it be Shakira performing her unique style of dance? If you have not seen it, you should. Could it be James Patterson talking about his next great book? All of his books are great. Or could it be Lucy Liu? Well... just because she is Lucy Liu - do not get me started. It could have been any one of these people, but it was not. My guest for this seldom traveled nocturnal viewing experience was Nicole Richie. Great!

That’s right, Paris Hilton’s sidekick from the Circus of the Absurd. Apparently, she had just visited with poor Paris on the night before she was to report to jail; for the first time. When Letterman asked Richie how Paris was feeling, Richie replied with something to the effect of, "She is okay, just like anybody feels before they are going to jail." This comment sent my left eye, which was almost shut, spinning upward like the quick release of a venetian blind. Excuse me, Ms. Richie, but what in the name of bad hair products does that comment even mean?

She went on to say that, she too, faced a potential jail sentence in a few weeks based on a DUI conviction that she had received. Letterman started asking her about what was going on in Hollywood with all the young celebrities apparently going to jail? Richie replied, “It’s not Hollywood, everybody goes to jail.” The studio audience howled in laughter at this ridiculous comment. Rather than being embarrassed, Richie just sat there grinning in her own pool of stupidity. Hey, it has worked for them so far, why change the course now?

This attitude has made Hilton and Richie more money in their short lives than most of us will ever know. Obviously, we are as much to blame for that as anyone. Someone must be watching this trash, but it is wrong on so many levels. Not only is it wrong, but this attitude and their apparent flipping of the finger to any judicial responsibility can have collateral effects that they are not even capable of comprehending. I found myself actually shouting at my television. I’ll blame it on fatigue, “No Miss Richie, everybody does not go to jail. Only those people who have been convicted of a crime go to jail. And going to jail is not a badge of honor, but it is a moment in time that will stay with you for your entire life and could have some fairly serious ramifications. Furthermore, your nonchalant attitude sends out a dangerous message to young girls who may look up to you. Maybe your show should be called The Simple Mind rather than The Simple Life!”

I suddenly realized that I was out of control and began to maintain my composure. Several things led to this calming: Number one, I should have never been awake in the first place. Number two, surely to goodness; there is no one out there who looks up to these two knuckleheads. Number three; it is never a good idea to have an argument with a television. It just is not a good mental heath practice.

If they both go to jail, as they apparently want to do, hopefully they will find out that jail is a place which is a long way from Rodeo Drive and the Beverly Hilton. But keep in mind it is Hollywood, so rational assumptions are out the window. At least if these two rocket scientists go to jail, we may not have to hear about them every time we turn on the television. Okay, we all know that's not going to happen.

By this point in my long, long night, I was so worked up that I had to watch the Petticoat Junction marathon just to get to sleep. All was well in Hooterville, nobody went to jail, and I slept like a baby. Now that’s the Simple Life.