As kids, our parents were quick to break out the “old sayings” book when it came to our behavior. The most commonly used chapters of this book were the sayings that dealt with our ability to speak out, and more specifically, when we should speak at all. A couple of the favorites that I can vividly recall were, “Silence is Golden” and, “It is better to be seen and not heard.” When there was no time for these polite warnings, my father was quick to shout out the “Zip It” instruction, which was always accompanied by the stage worthy gesture of him pulling the invisible zipper across his mouth. On these occasions, I was never unsure of his directions.

Children have always been told to be careful as to what they might say or not say in public. I utilize this practice with my own child rather frequently. I’m sure that I am not the only parent who has instructed a child that there are certain things that occur within the home that really must not be discussed outside the home. It’s a family matter. The majority of these family matters involve an embarrassing situation, typically committed by the parent, that does not need to be relived to the child’s teacher, scout leader, or anyone else that the parent may ever have to see again. Even with these instructions, it is inevitable that you will be reminded at a PTA meeting or a recital about something you did that you had hoped would be a family matter. Aren’t children just precious?

Obviously, there is a time and place where it is perfectly permissible to remind kids that “zipping it up” is a splendid idea. Unfortunately, some parents use this method to prevent things that have taken place in the home, that are far more serious than embarrassing scenarios, from being brought out in the public. Victims of child sexual abuse and child cruelty are often very hesitant to report these incidents. This is based on abusive parents using the same technique that all of us have used, but taking it a step further. They typically add a guilt component to the equation by telling the children that they (the parent) will have to go to jail, or that the children will be removed from the home if anyone ever finds about the abusive situation. This method has also been used in the reverse form by abusers from outside the home. Many of these perpetrators, whether they be coaches, teachers, clergy, etc. have used the guilt complex to prevent children from telling their parents. The combination of the child’s guilt about the incident, and the added fear of the outcome concerning the abuser will prevent some from ever reporting these atrocious acts.

Despite the many atrocities that are inflicted on children, for the most part the victims still very much love the abuser. This unconditional love is what the abusers hold on to, preventing their little secrets from escaping the home. Many children endure years of abuse before ever making an outcry. And even when they do finally tell someone, they do not intend for the abusing parent to get in trouble. It is often told to a best friend, sworn to secrecy, and then the friend will tell a parent or other person of authority, putting reporting wheel in motion. This is a good thing, although in the beginning it is typically not the victim's intent. Children inherently try to please adults, this being particularly true with their parents and others who held a substantial or influential place in their lives.

Many things have changed regarding the dissemination of these outcry abuse reports, which are now law, and are known as the Designated Reporting Law. A long list of professionals from all walks of life are required by law to report abuse to law enforcement as soon as they have knowledge that such incidents may have occurred. On the flip side of the coin, children are being taught from an early age that it is okay to tell. Educational programs through schools, churches, and children based television shows are pushing this issue. Telling children that these acts are not their fault and that it is okay to tell, no matter whom the abuser is, is starting to catch on. But the influence that a parent has on a child is tough to break. While this influence is priceless as to the good things that we can teach our children, it can be sometimes be deadly if the parent is the abuser.

Silence is sometimes golden, but in other cases, it can be a very black indeed.